Seeking a therapist can be a difficult process that brings up a lot of different emotions. You may feel excited, anxious, or even annoyed. While all of these feelings are valid, what’s most important is that you took the first step to bettering your mental health.
After spending some time perusing the Internet for potential therapists, you may be wondering: “What makes a good therapist?” or “How do I know which therapist is right for me?” The reality is that all therapists are different, and some may implement a therapeutic approach or have a personality trait that rubs you the wrong way.
That’s why it’s not only empowering to understand the qualities you want in a therapist, it’s vital to finding effective mental health services. Here are seven qualities to look for in a therapist.
1. They Have Good Listening Skills
Although some may assume all therapists are good listeners, this skill varies significantly among practitioners and shouldn’t be taken for granted. If you feel like you’re constantly repeating yourself, your therapist keeps forgetting important information, or it simply feels like they don’t care, your therapist may be a poor listener 1 .
Skilled mental health experts pay attention to both your words and your body language, making true active listening an essential part of effective therapy. By supporting you and demonstrating signs of engagement when you’re sharing, they begin to form a safe space built on trust. Feeling heard is a key benefit of therapy and can motivate you to continue coming back and receiving help.
Expressing your feelings can be challenging, often coming out tangled or unclear. When we’re emotional, our words can become a puzzle, but it’s our therapist’s job to help us piece it together. An effective therapist can read between the lines and decipher what you’re trying to say, providing you with the terminology you need to identify what you are feeling.
What to do if your therapist isn’t good at listening
It’s important to thoroughly communicate with your therapist so they understand your needs and how to best help you. Let them know that you feel like you’re not being heard, you’re frustrated with their lack of compassion, and it doesn’t feel like the sessions are constructive.
Your therapist should take this feedback seriously and respond by implementing better active listening techniques. If all goes well, communicating your concerns will not only help you feel heard, but it will also improve your therapist’s approach to care.
However, telling your therapist that they aren’t good at listening might lead to more poor listening. In this case, you might want to consider talking to your therapist’s supervisor to address your concerns. If this still doesn’t work, then it might be time to look into other therapists, psychiatrists, or counselors.
Related: Comprehensive Guide to Addiction Therapy
2. They Push You to Grow
A good therapist doesn’t just listen–they help you move forward. While they won’t tell you exactly what to do, they should actively challenge your thought patterns and encourage positive change. This might mean giving you specific tasks between sessions, like gradually exposing a patient with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) to their feared situations. If you have a kind of therapist that practices psychodynamic therapy, they’ll typically focus on challenging subconscious negative thought patterns and replacing them with healthier ones as a way to help you grow.
It’s important to keep in mind that therapists cannot tell you what to do, but they can strongly encourage you to try and adopt various coping skills. For example, if you have an anxiety disorder, your therapist might challenge you to talk to a stranger when you’re out with friends or strike up a conversation with the cashier before your next session 2 .
If you’re unable to complete these challenges–don’t worry. Your therapist will help you break them down into smaller, more manageable steps, allowing you to gradually build confidence and progress at your own pace.
Remember, you’re seeking therapy to create meaningful change in your life, not to maintain the status quo. A therapist who gently pushes you beyond your comfort zone is helping you work toward the growth you came for.
What to do if your therapist isn’t challenging you enough
If you aren’t feeling challenged, it’s important to share your concerns with your therapist so they can modify their approach. They may have assumed that you don’t respond well to being challenged, or they were waiting until you got acclimated to therapeutic care before pushing you outside your comfort zone. Once you bring it up, take notice during the next few sessions to see if they change their approach.
3. They Regularly Check In on You
Having a therapist follow up on your progress might feel like being supervised, but their role is to support your growth, not police your behavior. It’s important to remember that these check-ins are not coming from a place of micromanagement. Rather, consistent check-ins help your therapist tailor their care, and it can be a great opportunity to communicate any improvements you’d like to see in your treatment plan.
Checking in can be as simple as asking if you had any mood fluctuations that week, how you responded to your assigned challenges, or how you’re feeling about your mental health progress. Communicating your feedback on what works will put you in the best position to receive the highest level of care 3 .
On the other hand, if your therapist’s frequent check-ins feel intrusive or overwhelming, it’s just as important to communicate these boundary concerns with them. Too much oversight can actually hinder your progress by making you feel micromanaged rather than supported in your journey.
What to do if your therapist isn’t regularly checking in on you
If you’re concerned that your therapist isn’t checking in on you, it’s important to talk to them about it. Letting them know that you want more regular check-ins can help them tailor their approach and will benefit you in the long run. It can also help you reach your mental health goals sooner, since check-ins can be a great time to communicate other concerns you may have about therapeutic care.
Related: Psychiatry vs. Clinical Psychology
4. They Respect Your Boundaries
A therapist who respects boundaries understands and honors your comfort level. This means maintaining appropriate physical distance, respecting your privacy preferences, and not pushing you to discuss topics you’re not ready to explore. However, dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) is founded on challenging and rebuilding current boundaries, so keep this in mind as you engage in treatment.
Your therapist should ask permission before addressing sensitive subjects and accept when you say “no” or “not yet.” This quality is particularly important in group therapy, where information is less private. They should also respect your time by starting and ending sessions promptly and maintaining professional communication between sessions. This is important whether you’re engaging in online or in-person therapy sessions 4 .
What to do if your therapist doesn’t respect your boundaries
If your therapist consistently disregards your boundaries, directly communicate your concerns during your session. Be specific about what makes you uncomfortable and what boundaries you need.
If the behavior continues, consider discussing the issue with the clinic’s supervisor or seeking a new therapist through your health insurance provider or the clinic’s administrative staff. Remember that feeling pressured or uncomfortable in therapy can hinder your progress–it’s okay to advocate for yourself or switch to a therapist who better respects your needs.
Related: How to Find and Choose the Best Online Psychiatrist
5. They Have Cultural and Religious Competence
For many, religion, culture, and sexual orientation profoundly shapes our worldview, often through the deep influence of our upbringing. Since these beliefs color how we interpret our past experiences and trauma, a good therapist must understand this vital part of your background to truly grasp the roots of your mental health illness.
While your therapist doesn’t necessarily have to be from the same background, they should show competence in understanding your cultural traditions and recognize how these deeply held beliefs shape your mental well-being. Therapists should also have conversations about your experiences with an openness to learning and a basic understanding of what these differences mean in the world. Making sure therapists are acknowledging experiences–not questioning them–is an indicator of their cultural and religious competency.
What to do if your therapist doesn’t have cultural or religious competence
Therapists will typically receive your constructive criticism well and improve their therapeutic approach based on your feedback. However, becoming familiar with the nuances of your specific cultural and religious background isn’t something that can happen overnight, so it might be best to change therapists if yours doesn’t exhibit this quality. If you decide to change therapists, contact your insurance provider or the clinic’s administrative staff to discuss transferring to a new provider while ensuring continuity of care.
6. They Practice Ethical Therapeutic Care
A therapist who practices ethical care maintains clear professional boundaries and prioritizes your well-being. This means never engaging in personal relationships with clients, keeping your information confidential, showing up to sessions on time, and maintaining appropriate topics of conversation.
Unethical behavior includes making romantic advances, sharing excessive personal details about their own life, breaching confidentiality, or suggesting treatments that make you uncomfortable. Your therapist should also never pressure you into financial commitments or services you don’t need 5 .
What to do if your therapist is acting unethically
If you experience unethical behavior from your therapist, document specific incidents with dates and details. You can report these concerns to your state’s licensing board for mental health professionals, as they oversee therapeutic practices and investigate misconduct.
If you feel comfortable, you might also inform the clinic’s director or supervisory staff. For immediate support, contact your insurance provider to help you find a new therapist. Remember, you have the right to end therapy at any time if you feel unsafe or uncomfortable.
Related: Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner vs. Psychiatrist
7. They Don’t Judge You or Shame Your Mental Health Condition
A supportive therapist creates a safe space where you can share without fear of judgment. They understand that mental health challenges are not character flaws or personal failures. Rather than criticizing your thoughts, behaviors, or symptoms, they help you understand them with compassion. When discussing difficult topics or unhealthy coping mechanisms, they maintain a neutral, understanding tone while guiding you toward healthier alternatives 6 .
What to do if your therapist judges or shames you
If you notice your therapist using guilt, criticism, or judgment in your sessions, speak up about your concerns. Their response will tell you a lot–a good therapist will listen and adjust their approach, while defensiveness or continued shaming is a clear sign to move on. Remember, therapy should be a space for growth and understanding, not a source of additional shame.
Related: Psychiatrist vs. Therapist
What if My Therapist Relationship Still Isn’t Working?
It’s okay if your relationship with your therapist is not progressing in the way you want. You may have communicated your concerns and nothing changed, which can happen. If you find yourself in this situation, it might be time to seek a new therapist.
Therapy is not a one-size-fits-all cure, and realizing what you don’t want in a therapist can make the process of finding the right one easier. You shouldn’t abandon ship too soon if you feel like improvements can be made, as your experience could change in a positive direction if you give your therapist time and room to improve.
However, if your therapist remains unreceptive to feedback or acts unethically, switching providers may be necessary. You can request a transfer by contacting your clinic’s administrative staff or your insurance provider, who can help you find a new therapist while ensuring a smooth transition of care.
In addition, consider changing the type of therapy you’re receiving. For example, marriage and family therapists specialize in treating mental health conditions rooted in relationship issues, so consider family therapy if your issues primarily revolve around marital distress. And remember, you owe it to yourself to honor your needs and seek the help you deserve.
How Neuro Wellness Spa Can Help You Find the Right Therapist
At Neuro Wellness Spa, we understand that finding a therapist–or even switching to a new one–can be stressful. That’s why we’ve made it simple by offering comprehensive care all under one roof–from in-person and virtual psychiatry for medication management, to in-person and online therapy sessions, to innovative treatments like transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) therapy in Southern California. We offer it all, and our admissions team can help set you up for success.
It’s time to find the right therapist for you–call Neuro Wellness Spa to get started today.
References
- Gerger, Heike, et al. “What Are the Key Characteristics of a “Good” Psychotherapy? Calling for Ethical Patient Involvement.” Frontiers in Psychiatry, vol. 11, no. 406, 2 June 2020, https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2020.00406
- Jewell, C. (2023, November 19). 24 Characteristics of an Effective Therapist – mind remake project. mind remake project. https://mindremakeproject.org/2018/03/03/what-are-the-characteristics-of-an-effective-therapist/
- “How Do I Find a Good Therapist?” Apa.org, 2022, www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/finding-good-therapist.
- Slattery, J. (2004). Professional boundaries in nontraditional settings. www.academia.edu. https://www.academia.edu/67056122/Professional_Boundaries_in_Nontraditional_Settings
- Swenson, S. (2024, February 19). When therapists behave unethically – GoodTherapy.org therapy blog. GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/when-therapists-behave-unethically-0827184
- Lesley University. “6 Critical Skills Every Counselor Should Cultivate | Lesley University.” Lesley.edu, 2019, lesley.edu/article/6-critical-skills-every-counselor-should-cultivate